I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
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We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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