I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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