my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
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Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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