I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
