if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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