i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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