I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
