i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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