So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
