Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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