It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
