Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
