ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize