I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
We got so high we made milksteak
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
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The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?