i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"