No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?