I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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