there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
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I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
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I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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