I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
