when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
