ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
time to smoke my breakfast
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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