Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
