I just pynch a tree in the face
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?