as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
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I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
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Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand