The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine