I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.