8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
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luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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