My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
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I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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