I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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