i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
