i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
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i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
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There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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