You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize