What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.