My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.