is wine microwaveable?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.