The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
