Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
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just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
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How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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