just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
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If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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