i think my tv is drunk
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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