and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
