I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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