Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
this is an emotional support booty call
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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