i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
