What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Randomize
