There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
