So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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