I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
