is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
