Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
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You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.