glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes