I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.