her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
