I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
we're making bets on your personal life
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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