A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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