So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
