I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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