In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
