I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize